LIFE WITH A CAPITAL ‘L’, Chapter FIVE, section ONE

 

LOANING

When your heart is involved, listening evokes quite a different response than when you hear general conversation. I am remembering a particular week during which I listened to a woman, a victim of childhood incest and now hospitalized, recovering from rape; to my grandmother, losing her independence and with it her great love of life; to my twenty-five-year-old daughter announcing her engagement; to a friend’s sorrow over the death of her beloved old dog; to my geneticist friend patiently guiding me through functions of the brain.

 

I listened to them, but I do not have their experiences, I cannot bethem. Still, when I hear what they say, I can loan my whole self to them. I bounced on the bed with my happy daughter. I sat on the floor and cried with my dying friend. I can say, “Arggg . . . my head is full!” to my geneticist friend and thank im for sharing his brilliance. I can pay attention and loan myself to other people’s lives.

 

Surely few people are so bitterly wounded that they cannot appreciate a gesture of kindness 

An offer of help,

      A compliment, encouragement,

                  A cup of coffee together

                      In inquiry about their life,

Cookies shared, a movie, a note, an errand run,

        A house cleaned, meal cooked, auto repaired

                  A loan of yourself.

 

It is not always fun or convenient to loan ourselves to others, to be deliberately and voluntarily involved. It gets in the way of our plans and eats our energy. It can be a big bother. But, it isnoble. That is, true loaning is. Surrendering to obligations or to guilt-induced assistance, or fulfilling some duty requires no nobility. 

 

“I have to go help my sister hang draperies.” Fine. “I have to” is obligation; it is not loaning. Obligations often, and rightfully, need filling. The turning lane between obligation and loan is only one decision wide: the decision to give yourself voluntarily, no strings attached, to a person who can benefit from your contribution, whether for months or minutes, whether deserved or not. 

 

I once spent some minutes that seemed like a month. A woman invited me out for lunch (It was delicious). She wanted me to hear her problem. I loaned myself. Sitting on a patio overlooking a city, eating wonderful food on a beautiful day, I listened to her confess her dislike of me. She was jealous, she said frankly between bites and smiles. I represented things she wanted for herself and somehow this offended her. She did not need to change; she only needed me to know. Believe me, I knew.

 

I went home, my head spinning with the perplexing experience. I called her and asked something like, “Have I done something specifically for which I should apologize?”

 

“No,” she assured me. It was her problem. It helped her to be able to say it to me, that’s all. 

 

Well, how nice to be able to help people. I pray such opportunities like the one just experienced will rarely arise. But I can tell you, because loaning is a choice and not an obligation, since my responsibility in this situation was to hernot for her, I began shedding frustration even as my lunch digested. I was stunned but not cheated. Loaning is involvement, but it is not demand. It is cooperation but it is not adhesion. It is hope but not expectation. It is giving yourself but with no guarantees that you wind up a hero or come home with a prize. Loaning comes from the heart, but it has to be hard-nosed sensible. It never goes after something; it always gives something. It gives youfor a time, with no promise of reward. That, no doubt, is why it must be deliberate.

 

Then, loaning is not conditional.My husband once struck upon an idea to answer to the transportation problem of a teenage friend while at the same time reducing the inventory of our garage (that garage is his). There in the tumble of things stood a bright red moped, unused, gathering cobwebs, a remnant from the fuel crunch and days when we rode around town with helmets on our heads. Dave was pleased to give it away. That was good and that was kind.

 

“But, if he takes it, he has to wear a helmet. He cannot let other kids drive it and no riding double. He must get the brake handle fixed, he—“ said David, being his usual sensible self.

 

“You can’t do that,” I argued. You can urge, you can recommend, you can talk to his parents and see what their rules will be before you decide to give, but you cannot set the rules for them. You cannot control how a gift is used, only whether the gift will be given. Dave wanted to loan and control outcome. He pinned conditions on the wrong piece of the plan. Loaning cannot do that. Loaning steps into the situation of others and assists them—there. Or for good reasons we choose not to step in at all. Of course, there are situations where we cancall the shots, where we help make the rules, but in loaning, we do not go forward with “conditions” pinned to our pockets. Dave admirably controlled himself and gave away the moped. 

 

Clearly, loaning is not as common as one might hope. Spontaneous involvement is common, duty is, even conditional help is, but loaning is not. And, I think for at least these three reasons:

COMING UP: "WHY NOT?"

1. We are frequently convinced that people need to “deserve” our assistance.

2. Loaning can be deterred by a fear of losing control

3. We hesitate loaning ourselves to others because we fear it somehow diminishes our freedom.