You made sourdough English Muffins today.”

“I did.”

“I didn’t get one.”

“You shouldn’t have one,” I said.

“You just completed a course with Dr. David Smith on Moral Theories.”

“I did. Why are you mentioning that?”

“Let’s talk about the English Muffins and Ethical Theories,” said sudden scholar, Scooter.

“Scooter, you’re out of your league.”

 “I’ve been listening. I like Relativism. Cargo’s people don’t let him eat people food. He’s not allowed to drag his bed from the bedroom to the living room. I can do those things. Some things are right for that family but, hey, what works for them works. Moral or Ethical values can differ between groups but still be good. In our family culture, English muffins can be shared.”

 “Scooter, about Relativism. What if a culture decides that violence is entertainment?

“Like your human culture?”

“Right. Then are we to say, morally, this is good?”

“Mom, are you a Unitarian?”

“Do you mean ‘Utilitarianism? Always acting in a way that is best for the greatest number?’ Is this where you say that sharing English Muffins with dogs is probably best for all of us?”

“Mom, you’re the theologian. What about the Divine Command theory?  Proverbs 12:10 says, “The righteous care for the needs of their animals . . .”

 “Like you ‘need’ an English Muffin?”

 “Just a bite. You know, you should.”

“Scooter? Are you, the Relativist, invoking the Divine Command theory? That all genuine morality is whatever God commands? No matter what? What about the Apostle Matthew saying, “Do not give dogs what is holy”? (7:6)

 “That wasn’t fair.” Scooter feigns scratching his right ear. This is always a delay tactic.

“And speaking of Commands, Scooter. How many have you mastered but ignore? Maybe sixteen, eighteen?”

“Mom. Come’on. A bunch more.”

 “How come you mostly obey commands when it is to your advantage?”

“Unfair,” says he, the one whose obedience is deeply connected to treats.

 “Maybe the Moral Theory of Egoism?” I ask. “If, and only if, it benefits you, you act? Is that it?”

“You’ve toasted the muffin!”

 “I have. And buttered it.”

 “Mom!”

 “It’s delicious.”

“You are abusing Virtue Ethics.”

 “You mean where I should let good character traits, like compassion, caring, wisdom, loyalty, stuff like that be more important that rules or commands?” I took a big bite and blew the odor of muffin over Scooter’s nose.

 “That?” I ask. “Virtue?”

 “That,” says Scooter. “You’re not setting a very good example.”

It’s not easy, Scooter. This ethical behavior stuff. Not in our culture. Not this week. It’s important, but not easy. Here. Have a bite.”

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